To Sofia, I can't believe that its been six months without you. Six months since I first saw your beautiful face. Six months since we first locked eyes. Six months that I have been forced to survive without you here with me. There is nothing I wanted more than you. Nothing in the world I wouldn't give to have you back and healthy. I wish I could have saved you. I am so sorry for the pain you suffered. But I am so happy and honoured to have met you. To carry you was a privilege and you birth graced my life. I have no regrets about any of my decisions. I would have never ever given up on you as you never gave up on me. You battled a tough pregnancy and despite being so poorly you still managed to fight and be born full term. Having a caesarean was the least I could do for you. Those eight hours you managed to fight and hold on proves how much of a strong, brave, courageous, special little girl you are. My heart will remain broken and my soul will always be searching for yours. My arms will always ache to hold you and that part of my life will always be empty but you will always be my baby girl and I will always love you. I miss you every moment of every day. Every where I go, I wish you were with me, everything I do, I wish you were here to experience. You are always on my mind and I am constantly aware of your absence. It kills me inside knowing I have to wait a lifetime to see you again and not being able to cradle you in my arms is unbearable. All the birthday parties I will never throw. All the clothes I will never buy. All the memories I will never build. You will never be forgotten and you will never be replaced. Losing you was the cruelest most painful thing I have ever had to endure, I will never, ever, ever be over it! You mean everything to me. I should be bouncing a six month old little girl on my lap. You should be here! Sitting up; eating solid food; learning to crawl. But I guess you learnt to fly instead. Nothing will change the fact you made us a family of four. Even though we are separated, you will always live on in my heart. I know that eventually it will get easier to bear. That one day I will be able to think of you, to look at your photograph and listen to your song without being overwhelmed with sadness and despair. That one day I wont be entirely consumed by grief. That one day I will be able to feel happy in your existence and one day I will feel at peace. Knowing that one day we will be reunited gives me something to look forward to. I carry on living to be with daddy, to see Lewis grow up and to honour you. I will mourn you until my last breath and my heart will yearn for you as long as it keeps beating. No pain compares to the devastation of losing you. It is the worst feeling in the world. It hurts me more than anyone could ever know. My heart already feels so tired. Sometimes the fact that life goes on is the saddest part, How the sun continues to rise and the stars continue to shine when your not here. I will never be the person I once was but I wouldn't want to ever go back to a time without you. I would never want to change the fact that you were here, even if it was so incredibly briefly. But then no amount of time would have ever been enough, On that day, part of me died with you. Even though we knew you had to go and that there is nothing more anyone could have done, it doesn't make the pain any less deep. When people ask me “what's wrong?” You not being here will always be the answer, even if I only silently think it. Missing you will always be the reason everything in my life with always be tainted with sadness. I will always wonder why? Why you had to be so ill? Why I couldn't you? Why you had to die? The lack of the sound of your crying or your laughter is deafening. I will always wonder who you would have been. What you would look like now. If you would be anything like how Lewis was when he was the age you should be now. My hands will always long to hold yours. My lips will always long to kiss your face. My arms will always long to hold you tight and my eyes will always long to get lost in the beauty of you. I would do anything to bring you back home and when my time comes to an end I will be running with open arms to find you and finally feel your warmth again. I am so proud to call myself your mummy. You are the most precious, most gorgeous part of my life that is missing and one day I will find you and then my broken heart will be pieced back together and I will finally feel whole again. I love you beyond measure and I miss you more than anyone could ever imagine. xXx Mummy xXx **Life's not a song. Life isn't bliss. Life is just this. It's living. You'll get along. The pain that you feel, only can heal by living. I have to go on living. So one of us is living**